Whatever, It's Summer 2.0 (beta)

We're Migrating This Party

2009-01-05T17:00:00.001-05:00

Whatever, it's Summer has a new home on WordPress!

So what the hell are you still doing here?

Just a Little Sneak Peek

2009-01-02T13:46:00.003-05:00

New year, new look, new hosting! WiS is in the process of moving, so I thought I would flash a little leg and provide a small peek at the new layout:

Hope you likey.

In By the Buzzer! 2008's Top Songs

2008-12-31T20:24:00.000-05:00

Best of lists are are always highly subjective, so I'm attempting a slightly more quantitative approach with mine. I created a smart playlist in iTunes that would filter for 2008 songs that had the highest play counts and received a five-star rating from me—basically answering the question, 'Which 2008 songs did I enjoy the most and received the heaviest rotation?'

To correct for the inherent play count advantage songs released earlier in the year had on more recently released tracks, I took each songs' play count and divided it by the amount of days it had been in my iTunes. My resulting Top 20 list shows the songs that have the highest average play count per days in iTunes.

So which songs did I enjoy most in 2008?

20. 'Troublemaker' by Weezer

19. 'Sexual Eruption' by Snoop Dogg

18. 'Leavin'' by Jesse McCartney

17. 'Crazy' by Jem

16. 'Funhouse' by Pink

15. 'Spaceman' by The Killers

14. 'We Break the Dawn' by Michelle Williams

13. 'Live Your Life' by T.I.

12. 'Girls Around the World' by Lloyd

11. 'Rock With U' by Janet Jackson

10. 'You Belong' by Hercules and Love Affair

09. 'Cold Shoulder' by Adele

08. 'Please Don't Stop the Rain' by James Morrison

07. 'Boyfriend' by Alphabeat

06. 'Electric Feel' by MGMT

05. 'Listen to Your Body Tonight' by Black Kids

04. 'Mr. Carter' by Lil' Wayne

03. 'Starstruck' by Lady GaGa

02. 'Magic' by Robin Thicke

01. 'Black and Gold' by Sam Sparro

Honorable mention goes to two songs that I didn't discover and fall in love with until this year, but actually came out in 2007. Kylie Minogue's 'Speakerphone' from her 2007 album, X and VHS or Beta's 'Burn It All Down' from their 2007 release, Bring on the Comets.

BA-BA-BA-BOOSH!

2008-12-29T12:41:00.000-05:00

My MacBook's back, hooray!

But as you can tell from my Twitter feed, new fuckery has been thrown my way. Regardless, I WILL get the posts that I've been meaning to churn out before year's end out the door—kicking and screaming if I have to.

In the meantime, enjoy one of my favorite vignettes on the hell that is computer-troubleshooting, courtesy of the genius that is Frisky Dingo:

:::Sad Face:::

2008-12-23T13:39:00.000-05:00

Or maybe it's this face that's more like it:

MacBook Pro committed suicide. Being replaced under AppleCare (yay), Mac-less for 3-5 days (boo). Radio silence until then since the IBM DouchePad I'm using as a temporary machine blows donkey dick. Will have mini-updates via Twitterific until fully operational.

Back soon.

A Test of Endurance

2008-12-18T03:48:00.000-05:00

Can you get to the end of the video without scoffing, stopping, or shomiting (shomiting is where you are simultaneously vomiting and shitting your pants)?

But in all seriousness, what inner city kid DOESN'T dream of finding an enchanted voodoo Viewmaster that will rapture them to Canadian Guido Paradise Island?

I kid you not, this band is Canadian, despite all signs pointing to a long Jersey Shore heritage.

Cute Turned Up to 11

2008-12-16T16:22:00.000-05:00

It's because of bands like Alphabeat that I think all of Scandanavia is one giant Charlie and the Chocolate Factory diorama come to life.

What is it about the Danish that they're all so adorable? I swear you want to put this whole band in your pocket and break them out whenever someone's being a bummer. Fuck Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft. If I ever feel down, I'll just take a hit of Alphabeat. I dare you to watch the video with a straight face. If you don't crack a smile at least once you're stone cold dead inside.

After listening to every track on their album, I can confidently say that This is Alphabeat is a keeper. How can you go wrong with tracks called 'Touch Me Touching You,' 'Go Go,' and '10,000 Nights of Thunder?' 'Rubber Boots' is another standout—a rare down-tempo track on an album that's one hour of color, fun, and catchy, upbeat hooks.

Grab them now.

From the 'Drafts' Bin: Downloads of the Day: James Morrison and Paolo Nutini

2008-12-16T15:23:00.000-05:00

I've got a stack of posts sitting in my 'Drafts' bin that—for one reason or another—never made it to the big leagues. From now on, when it strikes my fancy, I'm going to dip into this bucket of castaways for worthwhile stuff—whether it's because the post's topic still applies or because I feel like mocking myself for something that was on my mind and seemingly blog-worthy back then.

This first pick is the former, originally from February 2007:

It's been a while since I've been completely blown away by a GREAT album. Definitely grab James Morrison's Undiscovered.

This reminds me of Paolo Nutini's These Streets, an album that I discovered a few months back but forgot to mention up on the ol' blog. Also great—neither will disappoint.

You Stay Classy Chicago

2008-12-09T23:57:00.000-05:00

I could really use some big ass storage around here in DC right about now.

For the Coolness Factor Alone

2008-12-08T19:05:00.000-05:00

YouTube videos can now be uploaded in widescreen (older news) and HD (a more recent development). This guy freddiew shows off the new capabilities nicely.

I Just Posted a Blog and I...

2008-12-07T05:17:00.000-05:00

JIZZED.

IN.

MY PANTS!

I think 'Dick in a Box' has just been ousted as best SNL Digital Short ever. Honestly, the production quality in this short is beyond. It's beyond beyond. The boys did Kanye better than Kanye does Kanye.

Bonus points to Andy Samberg for bringing in his Lonely Island crew. Jorma's the other singer and Akiva's the DJ in the background.

And yes, JT was the pervy janitor.

Today's Favorite Distrations

2008-12-03T23:16:00.000-05:00

If NPH is in it, sign me up:

This guy Iman Crosson needs to be hired by SNL, like, NOW. It's not just his Barack that's good. His Morgan Freeman, Ludacris, Borat, and John Legend are spot-on and hilarious.

And who doesn't love Mario Kart and love songs?

Thanks, Indeed

2008-11-26T14:07:00.000-05:00

Via 23/6:

Not that we couldn't do it without you, but you sure made victory more satisfying.

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

Only Half Joking

2008-11-23T15:10:00.000-05:00

Andy Samberg shows why I would drop my man-panties for Rahm Emanuel in a heartbeat. This skit is hilarious because it accurately depicts Rahm's attitude towards any political fuckery. And that attitude is sexy take-no-prisoners skull-busting.

Word of the Day

2008-11-20T14:57:00.000-05:00

"Bogan"

And Summer Heights High is an amazing show.

'I'm not sitting next to some random emo.'

'I'm just surrounded by fucking bogan skanky bitches!'

'I can't help that I'm Asian!'

Obama and the Babies Who Love Him

2008-11-19T22:39:00.000-05:00

A bit sad that I didn't notice this blog until now, but it's cute.

On the other hand, since emails directing me to 'cute' links tend to get the good ole' 'stop-sending-me-dumb-shit-like-this-mom' auto-delete, I really shouldn't be surprised that I'm only seeing this now.

Slow Clap

2008-11-19T21:23:00.000-05:00

I'm not a huge fan of protesting and marching for shit, even if it's for something I find important. I'll leave that mess for others. But this sign tickled even my black, dispassionate soul.

Click for more?

So high five to my fellow gays willing to put their wit to poster board and walk around chanting.

As for preserving the sanctity of marriage, gay marriage bans don't make much logical sense. Why don't we ban divorces and make adultery a capital offense instead? I mean that'll do the trick, right?

Mmmm Skoda Cake

2008-11-16T21:02:00.000-05:00

Skoda is a VW subsidiary that I always wished would be brought Stateside.

At a Loss

2008-11-16T18:18:00.000-05:00

What in the Chuck Norris hell is this?

Get to Know a Douchebag: Bill Kristol REMIX!

2008-11-08T15:20:00.000-05:00

Bill Kristol may lose his column at The New York Times should the paper decide not to renew his contract in January.

Reasons to can the bastard can be found here, here, and here.

A poll and discussion of potential worthy successors is here.

Ninja Cats Drive Toyota Corollas (Apparently)

2008-11-07T22:21:00.000-05:00

I would have gone with Volkswagen Sciroccos as the ninja cat's preferred mode of transportation. They don't even make those anymore (until now).

The ad's not going to make me a fan of Toyotas any time soon, but hey, you give credit where it's due.

What in the Ashley Todd-Hell is This?? REMIX!

2008-11-07T21:42:00.000-05:00

This is totally unbecoming:

A family who had supported Barack Obama's presidential campaign emerged from their home in the northwestern New Jersey town of Hardwick Thursday morning to find the charred remnants of a 6-foot wooden cross on their front lawn.

You know what, Republicans? You don't need me to type a goddamn thing. You embarrass yourselves.

The Chinese Water Torture for John McCain Just Won't End

2008-11-07T20:30:00.000-05:00

Or is it Vietnamese cage torture? I always get that shit mixed up.

It was bad enough for Gramps that he lost the Election. But does he need to be reminded of that crushing loss day after day as election results come in at the pace of my mom driving on I-95?

Sarah Palin said herself—when asked about who should win the election—that God's will be done. Apparently God's will is that John McCain should have a fresh daily reminder that he sucks at life.

In the wee hours of Nov. 5, the electoral map looked like this, with Obama winning 338-163:

The game was over, Obama won, with Indiana, North Carolina, and Missouri still uncalled. But Obama didn't need them to go in his column.

Then, at about 7 in the morning on Nov. 5, Indiana went for Obama, so the new score was 349-163. Sucks for J-Mac. John McCain, not Jesse McCartney.

Then, on Nov. 6, North Carolina came down with a case of Obama-itis, and joined the party. 364-163 Obama. OKAY, we get it, Obama wins, JESUS!

Fast forward to today—Nov. 7—and Nebraska's second district went to Obama, giving him one more electoral vote. Current score is 365-162, and the map looks like this:

Yes, bitches, I know the map doesn't reflect the one extra Nebraska vote in Obama's figure. Whatever—it does accurately reflect the one vote loss in McCain's number for some reason. Meh.

For some ridiculous why-in-the-goddamn-hockey-mom hell Nebraska divides up its electoral votes instead of allocating them on a winner-take-all basis is beyond me. But it does allow Obama to take a vote from McCain's red state cookie jar even though McCain won the state overall. That's just cold. That's like butt-raping the guy and then jizzing in his eye for good measure. Stone. Cold.

Silver lining: Missouri is still technically undecided, but looks like it will eventually go to John in the end (swish!).

What in the Ashley Todd-Hell is This??

2008-11-07T20:02:00.000-05:00

After all the Fox Newsy talk about riots should Barack Obama lose, can someone please explain to me the absolute lack of forewarning regarding 'crazy bitches going apeshit' incidents should he win?

"John McCain WHAT?!?!!? SHE-HULK SMAAASH!"

Florida Today:

Employees at a Palm Beach County restaurant say their boss posted racist notes in the kitchen and on their time sheets on election night.

She acknowledged writing 'KKK' on signs and employee time sheets, but said it was a joke and she tried tearing up the papers before they were seen.

Gatti's co-owner at 264 The Grill is black. She said she was an ardent McCain supporter, but was just trying to tease her business partner.

The best part of the story? Not to be outdone by that dyslexic retarded twat Ashley Todd ("I ain't gonna write these KKKs backwards, that's for sure!"), Ms. Gatti was brave enough to talk to the press regarding her perfectly Republican means of coping:

Patricia Gatti said she 'got crazy with FOX News.'

You hear that, Planet Earth? WATCHNG FOX NEWS WILL MAKE YOU GO LADY LYNN FORESTER DE ROTHSCHILD CLINICALLY BATSHIT INSANE CRAZY.

Crazy like a fox!

Get to Know a Douchebag: Bill Kristol

2008-11-07T17:55:00.000-05:00

January 20, 2009 will be a good day in America—we will welcome and swear in a new president.

But how'd we get in this mess—shitty president, two wars, Katrina, horrible management at home and abroad, Sarah Palin, blah blah blah—in the first place? 'Get to Know a Douchebag' aims to spotlight the leading culprits in the fuckery of the past eight years, and I lead off with Bill Kristol:

If you want the general bio and background, you can go his Wikipedia page for that mess. That's not what I'm here for. What you do need to know is that Bill Kristol is always wrong, and he always lies.

He lies to make people that messed up this country look good:
Kristol praised President George W. Bush's second inaugural address without disclosing his role as a consultant to the writing of the speech. The fuckwit praised the speech during Fox News' coverage of the address, as well as in a Weekly Standard article, without disclosing his involvement in the speech either time.

He was wrong about xenophobia and "islamophobia" in the aftermath of 9/11:
Kristol's assertion that the 9/11 attacks 'did not result in a much-feared (by intellectuals) wave of popular Islamophobia or xenophobia' in this country...goes against plentiful data and the lived experience of Muslims, Arab Americans and immigrants in our country. Many Muslim Americans reported increased hostility toward them after 9/11.

He was wrong about everything regarding the Iraq war, Bush policy, and terrorism—everything.

He was wrong about Fred Thompson winning the 2008 Republican Primary, leading John Stewart to famously exclaim, "Oh Bill Kristol, are you ever right?" (1:12 in the video below):

He was wrong about Hillary Clinton marching to the Democratic nomination in a cakewalk:
If [Hillary Clinton] gets a race against John Edwards and Barack Obama, she's going to be the nominee. Gore is the only threat to her...Barack Obama is not going to beat Hillary Clinton in a single democratic primary. I'll predict that right now.

He lies in his columns to make political enemies look bad:
Bill Kristol tried to find reasons for conservatives to be optimistic about 2008 elections, despite the claims of some Republicans that 'the Republican brand is in the trash can.' To support his argument, Kristol pointed to Sen. Barack Obama’s 41-point loss in the West Virginia primary:

"On Tuesday night, while the GOP Congressional candidate was losing in a Mississippi district George Bush carried in 2004 by 25 points, Barack Obama was being trounced in the West Virginia Democratic primary—by 41 points. I can’t find a single recent instance of a candidate who ultimately became his party’s nominee losing a primary by this kind of margin."

New York political consultant Jerry Skurnik says it took him 'all of 2 minutes to find what Kristol couldn’t find.' On Feb. 5, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney beat presumptive GOP nominee Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) by 85 points in the Utah primary. In fact, on the same day, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee beat McCain by the same margin Kristol touted as unprecedented—41 points—in the Arkansas primary.

(Note: The New York Times issued at least three corrections for factual errors in Kristol's columns during his first six months at the paper.)

He lied about Barack Obama being in attendance during a controversial Rev. Wright sermon:
The central claim that Kristol employs to show Obama's pattern of deceit—that Obama was in attendance for the sermon—turns out to be wrong.

He was a leading cheerleader in the selection of Sarah Palin as VP:
The most ardent promoter, however, was Kristol, and his enthusiasm became the talk of Alaska’s political circles. According to Simpson, Senator Stevens told her that 'Kristol was really pushing Palin' in Washington before McCain picked her. Indeed, as early as June 29th, two months before McCain chose her, Kristol predicted on 'Fox News Sunday' that 'McCain’s going to put Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, on the ticket.'

He described her as 'fantastic,' saying that she could go one-on-one against Obama in basketball, and possibly siphon off Hillary Clinton’s supporters. He pointed out that she was a 'mother of five' and a reformer. 'Go for the gold here with Sarah Palin,' he said. The moderator, Chris Wallace, finally had to ask Kristol, 'Can we please get off Sarah Palin?'

He was wrong about the effectiveness of character attacks on Obama and on using Bill Ayers/Rev. Wright ('The Wright Stuff') one week, then turned around and denounced those same attacks' effectiveness on TV and in his column the next week ('Fire the Campaign'):

Holy shit. That really is a lot of dirt. You must be asking, "Why the hell does he still have a job?" I don't know.

Just today, it's revealed that Kristol used his NYT column as a forum to parrot out attacks on the McCain campaign in defense of his Alaskan jack-off fantasy, Sarah Palin.

No surprise there. But listening to him try and fight for his credibility and his job on TV is schadenfreude-ingly orgasmic.

Go to hell, Bill Kristol. You've earned your place as the inaugural entry in 'Get to Know a Douchebag.' You may just be the douche-baggiest.

So say it with me now: Bill Kristol is always wrong and he always lies.

And no, he's not the same Bill Kristol that played Miracle Max in The Princess Bride. That's Billy Crystal, you dumbass.

Post-Mortem: Self-Tanners?!

2008-11-07T16:57:00.000-05:00

Andrew Sullivan doesn't miss a beat. His disgust of Sarah Palin breathes with the fire of a thousand suns.

Wash. Post:
The campaign was charged for silk boxer shorts, spray tanners and 13 suitcases to carry all the designer clothes, according to two GOP insiders.

'The shopping continued after the convention in Minneapolis, it continued all around the country,' one source said. 'She was still receiving shipments of custom-designed underpinnings up to her Saturday Night Live performance' in October. Sources said expenses were put on the personal credit cards of low-level Palin staffers and discovered when they asked party officials for reimbursement.

God bless Andrew Sullivan for doing his journalistic duty.

Let us never forget the farce that was Sarah Palin.

Nixonian Awesomeness: What Do I Have to Do to Get On the List?

2008-11-07T16:42:00.000-05:00

No, not the list to some douchey nightclub, or the waiting list for Inauguration tickets. I'm talking about the "Operation Leper" blacklist!

via RedState:

RedState is pleased to announce it is engaging in a special project: Operation Leper.

We're tracking down all the people from the McCain campaign now whispering smears against Governor Palin to Carl Cameron and others. Michelle Malkin has the details.

We intend to constantly remind the base about these people, monitor who they are working for, and, when 2012 rolls around, see which candidates hire them. Naturally then, you'll see us go to war against those candidates.

It is our expressed intention to make these few people political lepers. They'll just have to be stuck at CBS with Katie's failed ratings.

Initial list:
Nicolle Wallace

Steve Schmidt

This fuckery reminds me of another infamous list. And you know what? I'd be more than proud to be on it. I think I'm well on my way.

"Savor it, dude. We'll never be this close to a woman's vagina ever again."

Let's Be Clear.

2008-11-07T15:57:00.000-05:00

I was going to leave well enough alone—until I realized that I never leave anything well enough alone—but a comment to this post brings up a worthy issue that bears fleshing out:

Hey, coming from a house where we love our [sic] cherish our daughter with special needs, I take great offense at your harsh words.

Okay, lucky you. You're not retarded. You'll be able to do things independently your whole life. Any reason why you need to point out that you're so much smarter than those people over there with special needs? These people need your respect, not your ridicule. Haven't we had enough of that those last four years??? How about a little decency and compassion for people doing the best they can.

At face value, most people would say, "Yeah! I agree. What's with all the negativity? That's not P.C."

So let's be perfectly clear here:

Being born with special needs does not make you retarded.

Assuming or calling someone who does have special needs a "retard" makes you—invariably—retarded.

People with special needs have a much clearer worldview and a more uncontaminated sense of good than a whole host of people who have absolutely no particular mental or clinical impairment—myself included.

You can not be BORN a retard—you have to earn it.

People who supposedly have full mental/physical capacity and competency, yet still manage to become COMPLETELY ignorant, narrow-minded, fanatical, and angry people are retarded (see Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, Bill Kristol, Michelle Malkin).

People who ARE ignorant, narrow-minded, fanatical, or angry despite supposedly having half a brain deserve to be called "retards." It is a completely fitting observation of such people and has no bearing on or correlation to people with special needs.

So while I appreciate the concern and comment, taking knee-jerk umbrage to the word "retarded," when it has nothing to do with your daughter, is retarded. It's a word that has been grossly misapplied to our special-needs brothers and sisters when in reality, "retarded" is a grenade that should be thrown at those who live and act like they have no goddamn sense, per this helpful graphic:

Hide Your Guns, Republicans! There's a New Sheriff in Town.

2008-11-07T14:41:00.000-05:00

And holy shit he's black!

Get Your War On ends with a bang:

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

Yoink! 'We Are Not Retarded'

2008-11-06T01:06:00.000-05:00

Via 23/6:

In electing Barack Obama, we proved that...

We can tell women apart.
The GOP saw that many Democrats were big supporters of Hillary Clinton, who is a female. So someone decided, 'They want a woman. Let's give them one of those.' Someone else most likely asked, 'Which woman should we get?' to which Steve Schmidt replied, 'Who cares? They'll never know the difference.'
We knew the difference.

We are aware that racism isn't the answer to everything.
If the McCain campaign had one, overriding message, it could be summarized as, 'The only way to solve all the problems facing this country is to vote against a black person.' While the message appealed to many Americans, far more of us responded with, 'Normally, I'd agree with you. But this time, racism just might not be the way to go.' We took the gamble and won.

We can tell catchy three-word chants apart.
A lot of stuff got chanted this election, because chants are fun and everyone should join in on one if they get the chance. But yesterday we proved that while all men are created equal, that's not the case with catchy three-word chants. Thus did 63 million Americans go into voting booths yesterday and declare that 'Yes We Can' is a way better chant than 'Drill Baby Drill.'

We know that old people don't wanna change a goddamn thing.
Americans have been around old people long enough to know that they don't like to change stuff. So when an old person started telling us about all the stuff he plans to change, we knew he was lying, and we responded the way we did when our grandfather went into that home. We ignored him.

We know not to do everything our plumber tells us to do.
Actually, that's an overstatement. 63 million Americans know not to do everything our plumber tells us to do. For 55.8 million of us, however, when a plumber says jump we say how high. Still a good, not-that-retarded margin.

We know that when something might cause a global apocalypse, we should find another way.
This, ultimately, was the true demonstration of our nation's level of intelligence. Each of us went into the booth thinking, 'I can either vote for Obama, or the entire world will be reduced to ash and cinders before next Easter.' Again, 55.8 million of us opted for the annihilation of Earth. But the other 63 million? That's right. Not retarded.

You're welcome, planet. Now take us to McDonalds.

What Now: Will We Give a Shit About 'The View' Anymore?

2008-11-05T20:50:00.000-05:00

Watching Sarah Palin's twin tampon from another mother—Elisabeth Hasselbeck—blow her top and upset the stick in her ass ON THE DAILY during the campaign season has been recommended comedy viewing for the past year or so.

Now that 'The Most Insane Election Evar!!11!! '08' in the books, will ABC's clucking chickens still be something worth watching? Or is 'The View' doomed to irrelevancy until 2012? I'm not sitting around to find out, but forward any funny clips should they come up.

What Now: Back to Your Loved Ones/Porn/WoW/Mom's Basements?

2008-11-05T20:45:00.000-05:00

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

Post-Mortem: Say Whaaaaaat?!

2008-11-05T20:29:00.000-05:00

Turns out, Sarah Palin being Sarah Palin is Sarah Palin being a bitch. A DUMB bitch at that.

The Alaskan princess DIDN'T KNOW AFRICA WAS A CONTINENT. I'm not joking.

The videos include other tidbits regarding Palin's temper tantrums and general cunty-ness.

P.S. All this shit is only news to Fox and the mouth breathers that hang on their every word. Everyone else knew after her first few interviews that Sarah Palin was a complete dolt who was not ready for the national stage. It's hilarious that the Fox News people are so surprised by these post-election revelations. I mean, c'mon, really?

Post-Mortem: The Lady Was a Tramp

2008-11-05T18:10:00.000-05:00

"Wasilla Hillbillies?" I'm loving that line:

NEWSWEEK has also learned that Palin's shopping spree at high-end department stores was more extensive than previously reported. While publicly supporting Palin, McCain's top advisers privately fumed at what they regarded as her outrageous profligacy. One senior aide said that Nicolle Wallace had told Palin to buy three suits for the convention and hire a stylist. But instead, the vice presidential nominee began buying for herself and her family—clothes and accessories from top stores such as Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus.

According to two knowledgeable sources, a vast majority of the clothes were bought by a wealthy donor, who was shocked when he got the bill. Palin also used low-level staffers to buy some of the clothes on their credit cards. The McCain campaign found out last week when the aides sought reimbursement. One aide estimated that she spent "tens of thousands" more than the reported $150,000, and that $20,000 to $40,000 went to buy clothes for her husband. Some articles of clothing have apparently been lost. An angry aide characterized the shopping spree as 'Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast,' and said the truth will eventually come out when the Republican Party audits its books.

MORE...

I'm not really all that surprised. As you can see from the Daily Show video below, the whore doesn't stray far from the whorehouse. If I had to live in Wasilla (or had to wear shit like this 24/7), I guess I would have ganked as much Saks and Neiman Marcus swag as I possibly could while the opportunity presented itself.

High Five, America.

2008-11-05T01:18:00.000-05:00

We did good tonight.

Yup, we did real good.

I Hope You Bitches Are Voting

2008-11-04T15:44:00.000-05:00

If you can wait in line for movie tickets, theme park rides, or a goddamn iPhone, you can stick it out at a polling place. Don't be a douche.

Confirm your registration, find your polling place, and find closing times.

Mmmm, voting is tasty, no?

As a reward for voting, check out Lifehacker for a roundup of Election Day freebies.

Don't Be Skurred!

2008-11-04T12:41:00.000-05:00

This. Fucking. Election.

2008-11-02T22:37:00.000-05:00

Can anyone say commemorative t-shirt? Try commemorative muumuu.

Take Back the Attack Ad

2008-11-02T00:51:00.000-04:00

Political Derangement Syndrome

2008-11-01T15:00:00.000-04:00

Even I have fallen victim, but I've committed myself to taking a break from this addiction until Monday. Everyone else should too. I mean damn people, quit obsessing over poll numbers, and when Election Day comes, vote. That's all there is to it.

Always Good for a Laugh

2008-10-25T02:59:00.000-04:00

I love this clip.

For Now...

2008-10-23T20:23:00.000-04:00

I promise, November 5, I will go back to being a giant child, drinking indiscriminately, making babies cry, and not giving a fuck.

But for now... I will, and urge everyone else—just because it really is important—please....

Give a fuck.

Dear Joe McCain...

2008-10-23T19:32:00.000-04:00

Fuck you. And your brother too.

Sincerely,

"Communist Country" aka "Fake Virginia"

Something, Something, Something... Dark Side

2008-10-20T02:02:00.000-04:00

I rarely give in to being sanctimonious, nor do I consider myself overtly political. So please be kind and indulge me on this one (if not, I do have lighter fare). It'll only happen once every four years, I promise.

15 days until Election Day.

Each day, count on the hate, fear, and ugliness from the darkest corners of our country to get worse and worse.

Republicans and the darkest, most depraved factions of their coalition see the possibility of defeat and are scared. They are scared that something is being taken away from them that is rightfully theirs and each day, we will see these fears manifest themselves in increasingly disgusting and degenerate displays of hate.

In fifteen days, you will be able to do something about it with your vote. You have an opportunity to put the genie back in the bottle and say—resoundingly—that this ugliness, this evil, is not American. With your vote you have an opportunity to put your foot down and say "enough" and that the American soul is good, is hopeful, and is willing to change for the better.

But these fifteen days before Election Day are our test.

It will get nastier. It will get uglier. And the temptation to retaliate in kind will get stronger. This is our test. Will we weather the storm or succumb to the urge?

Do we follow the example of Barack Obama? Do we keep our cool and forge ahead to November 4th in the coming days, or do we blow our tops like John McCain?

We only have to endure this for fifteen more days. Barack Obama has had to endure such negativity for 47 years.

This is our test. Pass or fail. You decide.

And remember, he's been calling this all along:

Damn, I Wish I Wrote That

2008-09-27T08:20:00.000-04:00

Ask yourself: how has "elitism" become a bad word in American politics? There is simply no other walk of life in which extraordinary talent and rigorous training are denigrated.

We want elite pilots to fly our planes, elite troops to undertake our most critical missions, elite athletes to represent us in competition and elite scientists to devote the most productive years of their lives to curing our diseases. And yet, when it comes time to vest people with even greater responsibilities, we consider it a virtue to shun any and all standards of excellence.

When it comes to choosing the people whose thoughts and actions will decide the fates of millions, then we suddenly want someone just like us, someone fit to have a beer with, someone down-to-earth—in fact, almost anyone, provided that he or she doesn't seem too intelligent or well educated.

Everything I Own Is Breaking

2008-07-02T23:07:00.000-04:00

GTI's in the shop for a busted master cylinder (covered by warranty at least), and I JUST dropped my iPhone and cracked the screen big-time. Don't think I'll be as lucky with the phone.

Blerg.

The Chicago. Freakin'. Tribune.

2008-06-18T16:11:00.000-04:00

Apparently Michelle Obama is the new hot ticket in the MSM's news cycle.

Back in January—out of sheer boredom—I created a FaceBook group called 'Michelle Obama is a Stone-Cold Fox,' which she is.

Now I've got this in my inbox:

Date: 18 June 2008 12:44:42 EDT
To:
Subject: FW: Chicago Tribune Story

Hi,

My name is XXXX, I'm a reporter with the Chicago Tribune. I'm working on a story about supporters of Michelle Obama and was wondering if we could talk for a few minutes, either by phone or email. I'd like to hear what you like about Michelle, why you started your facebook group, and what you hope to accomplish.

I know girl, I'm surprised too.

Like a Glove!

2008-05-03T02:23:00.000-04:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

I could park a school bus between your ass cheeks.

Heresy!

2008-04-26T21:44:00.000-04:00

It's not what it looks like.

Well, it looks like I'm installing Windows on my Mac, so I guess it's exactly what it looks like. Heresy, you say? Just hear me out.

There are a few things I would like to do on my laptop that are currently impossible without running Bill Gates' Devil Spawn.

Netflix's 'Watch Instantly' feature—where you can watch movies online—is currently cock-blocked to Apple peeps.

And VAG-COM—a tool to plug into VW and Audi cars' computer system to run system diagnostics and adjust features—is also a non-starter for me at the moment.

Hence me installing VMware Fusion to make these two worthwhile resources available.

I go Glenn Coco!

Dedicated to Natalie

2008-04-15T17:04:00.000-04:00

ROOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

You Want Long Hand Job?

2008-03-06T23:11:00.000-05:00

My favorite intern is at it again. I heart Cindy.

Okay, You Got Me

2008-02-28T16:30:00.000-05:00

Can't... Resist... Nerd Tractor Beam... Too Strong

2008-02-14T14:42:00.000-05:00

I am effing sold!

Who's coming with?? It runs from 9 Feb-4 May in Philly.

Mmmmmm...Ba-Cock....

2008-02-14T14:34:00.000-05:00

This is what I want to wake up to when my alarm clock goes off.

My Favorite Word Makes Its Network TV Debut

2008-02-14T14:08:00.000-05:00

Jane Fonda is straight 'hood!

White People Love the Prius

2008-02-14T03:15:00.000-05:00

Found a great blog today, Stuff White People Like. Ch-ch-ch-check it out:

#60: The Toyota Prius

Over the years, white people have gone through a number of official cars. In the 1980s it was the Saab and the Volvo. By the 1990s it was the Volkswagen Jetta or a Subaru 4WD stastion wagon. But these days, there is only one car for white people. One car that defines all that they love: the Toyota Prius.

The Prius might be the most perfect white product ever. It’s expensive, gives the idea that you are helping the environment, and requires no commitment/changes other than money.

The Toyota Prius gets 45 miles per gallon. That’s right, you can drive 45 miles and burn only one gallon of gasoline. So somehow, through marketing or perception, the Prius lets people think that driving their car is GOOD for the environment.

It’s a pretty sweet deal for white people. You can buy a car, continue to drive to work and Barak Obama rallies and feel like you are helping the environment!

Some white people decide to pull the ultimate move. Prius, Apple Sticker on the back, iPod rocking, and Democratic Candidate bumper sticker. Unstoppable!

There are a few ways you can use this to your advantage. If you are carpooling to an event or party you can always say “can we take your Prius? my car doesn’t get good mileage and I feel guilty driving it.” And bam! Free ride!

Also, if you see a white person in a Prius you can say “wow, that’s great to see that you’re doing something for the earth.” The white person will feel very good about themselves and offer to drive you home, to Ikea, or drop you off at 80s night.

Sucks, Don't It?

2008-02-13T22:06:00.000-05:00

Not Gonna Lie...

2008-02-12T19:46:00.000-05:00

...This feels good.

Product of My Boredom

2008-02-12T09:04:00.000-05:00

I'm not accustomed to being up at 5 AM, so this happened.

So hey, if you've got FaceBook, join the fucking group.

Caricature Artists = Smart

2008-02-11T23:39:00.000-05:00

I promise that this will be my last semi-political post. At least for a while. Want to sum up what you need to know about the Presidential candidates? Watch these clips from The Washington Post. Caricaturist John Kascht has some of the most concise and complete insights into who these people really are, with the added bonus of great images.

Who knew caricature art was so nuanced and deep?

Barack Obama

Hillary Clinton

John McCain

Mike Huckabee

Out of the race, but still cool clips:
John Edwards

Mitt Romney

Rudy Giuliani

T-Minus 4 Days

2008-02-11T23:10:00.000-05:00

Wahoo-Wa

2008-02-11T23:00:00.000-05:00

Watch as one of my fellow UVA-ers puts the b00sh-down on some lisping R-Tard from GW. I'm so proud.

Fun With Google Image Search

2008-02-11T00:31:00.000-05:00

1. Make sure SafeSearch is OFF.
2. Type in 'ridiculous' and run the query.
3. Enjoy the magic.

And So It Begins

2008-02-03T01:51:00.000-05:00

These photos make two things clear:

I have way too much shit.

The move to Philly is now in full effect.

I've decided to do it right this time around—organizing stuff into labeled boxes by room. No more 'throw it all into the car and hope for the best.' Moving's a bitch though, any way you cut it. I'll be spending the two weeks before my move-in date at my brother's McMansion while I get my job situation settled. Should be fun.

More to come.

Oh, and I found something for Ralphie.

No Words, Just Watch

2008-02-01T16:05:00.000-05:00

I Will Fax This Really Good for You!

2008-01-26T10:55:00.000-05:00

Oh man, I need to hire Andrew an intern.

Saturday Morning 'Ha!'

2008-01-26T08:55:00.000-05:00

Has anyone seen this ad on TV yet? Where are they running this? This commercial's right up there with 'Berries and Cream.'

Download of the Day: Chromeo!!!!1!11!!one!!

2008-01-24T23:27:00.000-05:00

It's been a looooong while since I made a music recommendation (circa March 2006) on the old blog. That's not to say that I haven't been encountering some great stuff—my iTunes recently eclipsed the 6,000 mark—because I have. I've just been incredibly lazy, but HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS, this album Fancy Footwork by Chromeo is 110% worthy of a shout-out and the whateveritssummer stamp of approval.

Every song is great—far and away some of the best dance/party/rock out in your car/purely enjoyable music I've heard in a long time. These guys have distilled everything that is great about 80's dance pop and have filtered out all the sugary aftertaste. This album is forty balls-out minutes of slap bracelets, Day-glo high-tops, big Whitney Houston hair, Cosby sweaters, keyboard ties, and 227 reruns. If Miami Vice were still on today, this is what Crockett and Tubbs would be blasting from their speedboat on their way to Hall and Oates' sexy coke party at the Shore Club.

Bonus points for the sick album cover and for the nod to Rockwell on 'Waiting 4 U.' Get this album now.

Tastes Like Dookie, Part II

2008-01-24T22:06:00.000-05:00

Bird dookie this time.

Tastes Like Dookie

2008-01-23T00:20:00.000-05:00

Damn I miss my restaurant days, even the shitty Monday shifts and Sunday brunches.

Any Friend of Andrew's Is a Friend of Mine

2008-01-09T00:26:00.000-05:00

From: andrew.xxx@xxx.com
Subject:
Date: 08 January 2008 23:20:42 EST
To: alger@xxx.xxx.edu

My friend told me that when he goes to Japan for business he introduces himself to people he meets as Larry Parallelogram, just to hear them strugle to say it. Sadistic? Yes. Brilliant? Yes.

Random Video Fun (Cat Related)

2007-12-22T19:52:00.000-05:00

Thanks, Thembi!

Thank You for Summing Up Why I'm Gay (Again)

2007-12-12T21:30:00.000-05:00

Seriously girls, as a species—get your shit together.

Date: 2007-11-07, 5:23AM PST

I met you at the bar last night, and we hit it off. Ya we were both a little buzzed, but you seemed as into me as I was into you. Things got to things, we made out a bit, and you ended up going home with me on the back of my motorcycle, which was awesome because that doesn't usually happen to me. I luckily had the extra helmet with me and let you wear my bike jacket while suffering the cold on the way home. I was feeling pretty happy and lucky to say the least.

This is where things got crazy.

I don't know if you slipped, or thought I was taking you home to kill you, or if your're just plain crazy and had a change of heart, but all of a sudden you let go of me MID-TURN and went flying into the bushes at about 10-15mph near the park by my house. I was so freaked out!!! when I looked back to see you fumbling in the bushes I could only PRAY TO GOD that you didn't hit the asphalt or something worse.

I really thought you must have been hurt at least a bit, but as I turned around to come check on you, you took off into the unlit park running full speed with my helmet and jacket still on! I parked my bike and looked for you for over 2 hours calling your name until I was so cold I had to go home or risk freezing to death.

WTF

Im sorry for what happened and I really hope your're ok, really I do, but seriously WTF. Running into a forested park in the middle of the night like that....I really can't begin to guess what you were thinking, and you weren't that drunk, but i suppose my "crazy-bitch o' meter" wasn't working at the bar that night, and from the speed you took off I can only surmise that your're not that hurt.

I would like my expensive bike gear back though, I hope it kept you warm during your psychotic episode, but it IS mine and I kinda need it to get around in the winter. If you could return it to the bar for me, check in with your shrink, and promise to never come near me again that would be great, cause you scared the #*$% outta me and are costing me alot of money.

Sincerely,
Very cold/poor motorcycle rider who will never let women near his bike again.

Thank You for Summing Up Why I'm Gay

2007-12-12T18:17:00.000-05:00

This item from Craigslist is so good I couldn't pass it up:

Date: 2007-11-07, 10:38AM EST

Knock knock.

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it!

Like this?

Or this?

This one's good too.

Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

Let Me Just Grab My Starbucks, iPhone, and We Can Ride Out In My VW...

2007-12-05T21:36:00.000-05:00

'VW fans and Apple fans overlap pretty well (picture a Venn Diagram with Batman on one circle and Bruce Wayne on the other), and will be willing to purchase any type of iCar that will eventually be sloshed forth from the combined loins.'

Sad, but true. I love both my Dub and iPhone (hip yuppie douchebag connotations aside). Read more from Gizmodo.

It's Like... God's Vagina

2007-12-05T21:07:00.000-05:00

I'm always pulling for James Franco. Aside from breaking out in Freaks and Geeks and a few good turns in some indie flicks (he made a perfect James Dean), Jimmy hasn't really had much luck when it comes to carrying a film (i.e. Annapolis, Flyboys, Tristan and Isolde?!?!). C'mon dude, you're better than that.

Hopefully, the 'so now' comedy trifecta of Apatow, Rogen, and Goldberg can change all that (are they seriously the only ones left who can make a funny movie?) with their upcoming buddy comedy. Franco co-stars with Seth Rogen in it as Seth's stoner buddy, and this snippet from the movie looks promising. The clip has the added bonus of a weed-smoking innovation called the 'cross-joint.' Like James says, it's 'the apex of the vortex of joint engineering.... This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking.' Peer into the future my friends...

Best. Remix. Evar.

2007-12-04T22:15:00.000-05:00

UPDATE: I've been reminded by a few that this is more of a mash-up than a remix. On one hand you're right, and on the other I'm surprised you got up from your game of WoW to say anything, dweeb.

UPDATE 2.0: And thanks to Andrew for the reminder, but this new gem from Snoop-A-Loop is equally jizz-mo-gastic.

My Baby Is Sick! The Horror!

2007-11-06T21:29:00.000-05:00

Remember my red Jetta? Well Bianca was in the shop at Lindsay VW for a new radiator hose and was ready for pickup today. So I take Jake (my new GTI) to go get her. I'm on Wilson (by Eden Center—think big Asian strip mall of stupidity), coasting to a red light, when some dumb old Asian woman pulls out of a shopping center to my right and rams into the side of my car.

I saw her out of the corner of my eye and try to swerve away and speed up to avoid her, honking my horn (multi-tasking, what?) to no avail. I don't manage to avoid impending doom but I was able to minimize the impact and bring it to the rear of my car as opposed to getting t-boned.

Everyone's alright and we call the cops. She calls some relative to help her translate since she no speaky the English and before they leave I make sure that when it comes time to talking to insurance, they're ready to admit fault. I'm assured that the lady knows she hit me and that it's her fault, but we'll see once their insurance comes calling me.

I call VW Roadside and get my baby towed to Lindsay, just in time to pick up the Jetta from service before they close. In one VW and out another.

Boosh.

There No Hot Water

2007-10-25T23:39:00.000-04:00

So I'm at the gym today, and afterwards I go for a steam and then head for the showers like usual. Same-old same-old so far, nothing out of the ordinary.

I turn on the shower, and it only spits out cold water, so I run across to another. Again, no hot water.

I go to another.

Then another.

FINALLY, after trying a fifth shower, the custodian watching me hop from stall to stall completely butt naked says, 'There no hot water. Only cold. Sorry.'

Motherfucker came this close to getting towel whipped. THIS close.

Because Only Ugly People and Weirdos Do It

2007-07-16T19:02:00.000-04:00

Becuase Canada is the land of making shit up for the hell of it, it's 'Nude Recreation Week:'*

For years nudists have been touting the benefits of shedding restrictive threads and spending more time in your birthday suit...

Gerry Johnston is an avid naturalist, and he has a few suggestions for those who haven't quite worked up the courage to drop their drawers in front of others:
'It feels goods (sic),' Johnston stresses. 'You have to try it. You won't believe how easy it is until you try it. (You can do it at) the kitchen table, have your breakfast that way. If you have a secluded back yard or balcony and take in some sun.'

I guess my uncle was just ahead of his time. Except for him 'Nude Recreation Week' meant 'whenever kids were around,' and 'secluded back yard or balcony' translated to 'Chuck E. Cheese's.' He pulls this shit in America and gets labeled a sex offender when all this time you could be doing this shit in Canada and you get a fucking holiday? God, Americans are such facists.

*And by the way, if it's not in Wikipedia, it's not a real holiday. So enjoy that morsel of science.

Why Does This Commercial Fascinate Me So?

2007-04-25T01:24:00.000-04:00

Honestly? I stop whatever I'm doing when it comes on.

I Always Renege On Promises

2007-04-23T00:06:00.000-04:00

I told myself no car projects for a month, but I couldn't help it. A group buy on window tinting for a bunch of us Dubbers snagged me a great tint job for $150, I couldn't pass it up. Then I bought yellow Höen fog bulbs, and Euro springs are on their way. Oh well. Car comes first.

Breaking my G2G Cherry

2007-04-12T17:16:00.000-04:00

So I went to my first VW G2G (that's get together for you n00bs) in Seven Corners last night and it was pretty fun. Met some other cool Dubbers, saw some cool rides, and reinforced my belief that Falls Church cops are the biggest douchebags on Earth. A few photos just got posted by one of the guys who attended (a Hokie no less, but I didn't stab him). More photos and some video to come as soon as I get word they're up.

Armageddon Some More!

2007-04-11T14:25:00.000-04:00

Yay, Reno 911! is back.

An Open Letter to Alexandria VW

2007-03-13T18:02:00.000-04:00

Joe Lishman
Service Manager
Alexandria Volkswagen
107 West Glebe Road
Alexandria, VA 22305
(703) 684.8888

13 March 2007

Greetings Joe,

I would like to inform you of the experiences I have had with your dealership’s service department. Unfortunately, they have never been very positive, and what I experienced today was sadly the final nail in the coffin.

I purchased my 2006 Candy White MkV GTI 2.0T pre-owned in January of this year from Don Beyer Volvo in Dulles. To date, I have been very pleased with the car, as I have previously owned a MkIV 2000 Jetta VR6 (which we still have) and a 1996 MkIII Jeta 2.0L. You can say we’re a bit of a Volkswagen family as well, with my brother owning a MkIV Jetta GLX VR6, my aunt with a Passat V6, my sister with a 2003 Jetta GLX VR6, and my niece with a 2005 GTI 1.8T.

Upon receiving my new GTI, the previous owner failed to return/provide the key tag and radio card. On Sunday, 11 March, I stopped by your dealership and spoke to one of your younger sales reps and your sales manager Wesley, both of whom were very polite and straightforward in answering my question (they were the bright points in this story, it will get worse from here). I asked them what I should do now if I ever wanted to order new key fobs or had to re-enter my radio code without these two missing items from the original owner.

Wesley informed me that the keys would never be a problem as you simply use the VIN# to order keys. As for the radio, all the service department would need to do was look up the serial number on the head unit, and the radio code could be obtained. I told them this was good news, as I recently installed VW’s factory navigation unit, so the previous head unit was already uninstalled. They suggested I just come back with my serial number when the service department was open and get my radio code looked up.

This afternoon, I again returned to your dealership to inquire about my radio code.While I do not remember the name of the service rep that dealt with me, he in turn told me that obtaining the radio code would cost me $45. This surprised me, as the radio code is something, as the owner of the vehicle, is supposed to have in the first place, and I did not feel that I should be charged for an item I am supposed to originally have. Remembering Wesley’s advice, I asked why it was going to cost me anything, since ‘all you have to do is plug in a serial number into the database.’ Your service rep told me, quite smugly and matter-of-factly, that ‘it’s not as simple as looking some numbers up in a database.’ Annoyed at the rudeness and the audacity of the $45 charge, I left—running into the young sales rep I spoke to a few days back, to thank him for being so nice before, as well as let him know that I thought the charge was ‘bullshit.’

Here’s the best part of the story: I only went to Alexandria Volkswagen because it’s the closest dealership to my house. I usually get my car serviced at Marten’s Volkswagen (it’s near my office), or Lindsay Volkswagen (it’s near my brother’s office at Don Beyer Volvo). I try to avoid coming to your dealership for anything due to poor customer service in past dealings with your staff (the 1996 Jetta we owned was bought at Alexandria). Encouraged by the friendliness of Wesley and the other sales rep I spoke to over the weekend, I thought I would give your crew one last shot. I’m sorry Joe, but to be honest, they blew it, and this is the final nail in your dealership’s coffin for me. I wouldn’t even walk into your dealership to spit on it.

I drove to Marten’s VW next and told their service rep the same thing I told your staff, and you know what they did? They looked up the serial number of the head unit and provided me with the radio code—free of charge. All they did was ask for my license and proof of ownership to verify that the head unit was indeed mine.

I am disturbed by your staff’s smugness and rudeness. I am disappointed at their dishonesty (remember the ‘it’s not as simple as plugging numbers in a database’ remark?) and willingness to strangle every last cent from their customers. And I am surprised at the attitude displayed by your staff that Alexandria VW is the only game in town. A simple search on vw.com shows that there are NINE other dealerships within 20 miles of you, and it’s a shame that you are still able to con people into settling for the sub-standard service at your shop.

Your staff could use a lesson in customer service and ‘going the extra mile’ to exceed their expectations. That’s how you keep LOYAL and DEVOTED customers that are actually excited to come see you for their services, instead of dreading it more than torture. Please do your future customers a favor and take a few lessons from the service ethic at Marten’s and Lindsay. As for me, I am resolute in never patronizing Alexandria VW for as long as I live and breathe. In addition, I will discourage any and all other VW drivers that I interact with (and there a LOT outside of just my family circle) about bringing their business to your dealership, whether it be sales OR service. It has become my personal business to make sure your shop is the worst performing one in the DC Area.

Copies of this letter have been forwarded to Volkswagen of America. I have also made copies of this letter for the service managers at the other DC-Area dealerships to serve as a cautionary tale against poor customer service. I have also posted an electronic version of this letter on VWVortex, a very vibrant community site of VW drivers and enthusiasts. A lot of people new to Volkswagen come here for tips and advice how to maximize their experience with their car, and hopefully this letter will keep them away from your shop as well. You can view the posts on the links below:

• Post 1
• Post 2

Lastly, to show that it isn’t all about anger, I have enclosed a copy of the letter I have written to Marten’s VW, thanking them for their excellent service ethic and reinforcing my loyalty to them as a customer.

Regards,

ME

Do You Ever Run Into a Guy Who's So Gay You Fear for His Safety?

2007-02-12T12:02:00.000-05:00

Yikes.

Random YouTube Find

2007-02-12T11:55:00.000-05:00

A Heavy Metal Concert Tailgate back in '86. I was four then, and I still would have judged these people.

The dowdy redhead at the end is my favorite.

Un Mas Dia!

2007-01-29T18:25:00.000-05:00

Got a call from the dealer today. They want the car off the lot tomorrow so they can count in in their January numbers. They're letting me take it and just pay them the money once the check comes in from the bank.

w00t!

Ugh for Baby Steps

2007-01-28T23:15:00.000-05:00

God I feel like I have this car on layaway. Wednesday Joe, Wednesday....

I took the manual home today and read through it.

I have satellite radio for a few more months! How about that!

I Shall Name You... Bianca Jr.

2007-01-28T16:47:00.000-05:00

I actually haven't decided on a name yet.

Went in to wash the car with my brother at the shop today so the guy cleaning it can focus on waxing the body and detailing the interior. She's all clean now!

And I got my license plate reserved today:

3 more days, 3 more days...

Impulse Buy Indeed

2007-01-27T22:58:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I drove to my brother's Volvo dealership in Ashburn to pick up some tickets for the Washington DC Auto Show. Upon arrival I found out he wasn't in and was having lunch with my cousin who had bought a Volvo S40 that morning:

"I'll be back in fifteen minutes," he said, "I'll meet you there. In the meantime, check out the white GTI that's in the used car lot—came in yesterday as a trade-in."

I pulled into the dealership's used car lot and there it was. A white, 2006 VW GTI with Package #2 (leather, dual-zone climate control, sunroof, sat radio), and 18" Hufweisen alloys:

If you know me, this is exactly the car I've been eyeing for months—spec'd out with exactly the options I wanted (I was debating either red or white). Apparently the gentleman that so graciously bought the car for his wife thinking it was what she wanted had to buy her a Volvo S40 since he made a huge mistake. The car was so new to the lot it wasn't priced out yet, but I told my brother I would be interested if the price was right (the car brand new would sticker around $27,000—KBB for this particular year/options/mileage = $23,000).

One of the used car dealers recognized me from when I bartended the dealership's office party and we chatted about the car. She ran in and grabbed the keys so I could take it for a spin. She also came out with a price quote of $21,500. Pretty good! I'm definitely interested now...

After a little spin around the neighborhood and meeting up with my brother, we brought the GTI into the shop for inspection.

Caveats:

Cracked windshield (Volvo will replace it before sale).
Small ding (about a dime's size) on the front fender.
Two decals on the rear window (some radio station and an Apple, Inc. logo).

After a little post-inspection haggling, the sales manager offered it up for an even $21,000. Knowing they could turn around a car in this condition for much more, I decided that the picky wife's loss was going to be my gain. I bought the car.

Hmph. I'll be damned. I was just here for auto show tickets.

I've already got everything in order—waiting on a check from the bank and insurance stuff to come through—but I'm excited!

The car should be ready on Monday or Tuesday, and the following mods are already planned:

Tint (this will already be done actually on the day I pick it up)
Front plate removal (illegal schmillegal!)
Euro headlight switch (deactivates DRL, increased control of lighting functions)

One item still up for debate: Do I keep the Apple decal? :-P

Pictures and updates to come upon pickup of the new whip!

P.S. Added bonus, my prophecy came true (albeit after a year).

P.P.S. Ahhh! I can't wait!

I Know What I'm Doing Tonight

2007-01-23T12:00:00.000-05:00

Even politics can be fun with the right amount of bourbon.

Boom.

What I'd Like to Call a Catastro-Fuck

2007-01-21T22:56:00.000-05:00

Late this past Saturday, I was happily tooling around on my lappy--chatting on IM, downloading some torrents, ripping a movie on to a DVD, watching another ripped movie, plugging away at an Excel sheet, and emailing a travel itinerary to some buds. You know, the usual.

When all of a sudden, inexplicably, the poor thing froze. No error messages, no beeps, no nothing. It was like I was that Japanese dude in Heroes and time stops. I look around to make sure I didn't develop some new crazy powers, and verify that yes, my computer has frozen. But Macs don't freeze! Ever faithful in my computer's ability to get itself out of a jam, I went upstairs: dropped a deuce, popped open an Orangina, sucked on a Camel (the cigarette, not the nomadic desert creature).

Back downstairs, and still a frozen laptop. Sigh. I really wanted that DVD burned on the first try. I hate burning coasters. REBOOT! After restarting, it was running a bit slow, so I checked my activity monitor and all the memory usage numbers added up to a total of 1GB of RAM. I check my System Profiler (this sure is making out to be quite the geeky post ain't it?) and sure enough my computer says I have 1GB of RAM (it should be saying I have 1.25GB).

I delve deeper and my compy says that one memory slot is holding my 1 gig memory chip (so far so good), but the bottom one is empty (where a 256k chip should have been sitting but apparently it was kidnapped). Long intro short, after a switcheroo of the two memory chips to be sure it was a bad slot (it was), and a quick skim of support forums confirming my suspicions, I had to resign myself to the fact that yes, a trip to the Apple store was in order.

I don't know if you've been to an Apple store lately, but one of the drawbacks of the company's newfound hipness is all the blazing idiots you have to deal with to get anything done in one. Being 3AM, I figure I can easily book a reservation for service at my local herding station/Apple store for the next day. They reset the reservation systems at midnight each day, so I figure I'd have my pick of the litter. Not so. The only slot left was at 4:30 on Sunday afternoon. Extended sigh.

Finish my movie, sleep in, and at 1PM the next afternoon I'm antsy and want my computer fixed. NOW. The snow is just beginning to fall as forecast, so I grab a quick breakfast, hop in the shower, and make my way to Clarendon to see if I can slide in with a 'Genius' before my appointment (I'll get back to my thoughts on the dubious 'Genius' designation in due time). I figure that even if I do have to wait (I know I will), my car is at least in a garage instead of a driveway, so when the snow's really coming down, I have nothing to brush off of the exterior.

My experience at the Genius Bar was relatively more painless than I thought it would be. I credit the weather and the fact that I did all the work in troubleshooting my problem the night before:

Genius: 'It seems your main logic board may have gone bad. We're gonna have to send it in for repair.'
Me: 'Alright.'
Genius: 'Are you prepared to have this computer away at our repair facility for 7 to 10 days?'
Me: 'Yes.'
Genius: 'Did you back up your important data in case we have to erase it?'
Me: 'Last night when I knew I would have to show up here.'
Genius: 'Your computer is past it's warranty period. There will be a flat repair fee of $320 dollars.'
Me: 'Die in a fire.'

Being in a relatively chipper mood though, I don't put up much of a fuss, and sign the paperwork to get things done. But seriously, I had my CAR (a CAR!) in the shop for it's 80k mile service and it only set me back a shade under $200 bucks. My computer, though, cost me $200 for the repair and another $120 for the labor. That really smarts no matter how you spin it. In one instance $200 got me an oil/filter change, tire rotation, spark plugs, air filters, fuel filters, new wipers, new brake fluid, and countless other things that come with an 80k mile tune-up. But here in Bizarro world I had to cough up over $300 for fixing something ironically called a 'logic board.' Logic indeed.

A bit deflated from my fleecing, I needed a pick-me-up. Preferably cheap. Instead of paying $4 for my parking, why don't I just walk over to Whole Foods, spend the same amount of money on a Jamba Juice, get my parking validated, and head home? This sounds like a great idea Joe! Pat yourself on the back!

Except it's Sunday afternoon. At a grocery store. Whole Foods no less. You are a fucktard Joe. Open your mouth up against a curb and ask some kind old lady to kick you in the back of the head.

I don't know if you've been to a Whole Foods lately, but one of the drawbacks of the company's newfound hipness is all the blazing idiots you have to deal with to get anything done in one (p.s. I love cut and paste). You would think that when you walk into a store that is known for promoting a more 'healthy' lifestyle and way of eating, that the majority of the people shopping there would be in shape.

You naive bitch. See, a gallon of Hagen Daaz and Chile con Queso dip is just as bad for you when you buy it at Whole Foods. Damn these fucking human abortions for riding a fad yet completely missing the point. At least you overpaid for your damn queso dip.

Total time to line up at Jamba Juice, place a smoothie order, wait for said order, and walk out with your dignity/sanity hanging on a thread? Roughly forty minutes. But you fucking know what? It was worth it. The first sip of my Caribbean Passion was totally refreshing and I was still in a good mood.

Walk back across the street to the parking garage (I even remembered to get my parking validated so pat on the back for that). Wait, that's odd. Why is there a line of cars about fifteen or so deep? Why is no one moving? What's all the honking about? Oh wait, that's why: Some walking clitoris with gay shoes didn't bring cash to pay for his parking and is holding up everyone else since of course, there is only one exit out of this particular garage. Said clitoris is currently on the phone with what I can assume is the managing company for this parking structure figuring out some sort of reimbursement strategy or payment plan.

You know what? I'm going to be a hero today:

Me: 'How much does this twat owe?'
Parking Booth Lady: 'Ten dollars.'
Me: 'What was that?'
Parking Booth Lady: 'Ten dollars.'
Me: 'Die in a fire.'

Okay, no heroics today. Time for plan B which involves having a smoke and sipping on delicious delicious Jamba Juice while I wait for the herd to disperse. Throw my bag in the chair on the passenger's side, and as I walk around to the driver's side door, my thumb slips on some condensation on the cup. My smoothie... falls... to... the ground. And shatters. In front of like ten cars. I've had maybe seven or nine sips of this thing. Extended sigh. Time to finish this cigarette and head home. My mood is still not a bad one considering the circumstances, and I need to leave before things change.

Lastly, as I am prepping to leave, a middle-aged couple in a Golf parks in the open spot next to me. As I'm pulling away, the husband gets out of his car and slips on the remains of my smoothie. As I give Parking Booth Lady my validated ticket, I hope that the bad luck of my afternoon has transferred to that guy, like the haunted tape in The Ring. Oh well. There's Orangina at home.

*This post was done on my old Dell desktop from my first year of college. Usually there would be screen-shots and photos, and a ticker-tape parade. Sorry, but I don't have enough RAM on this computer to install the ticker-tape parade macro.

Redneck Engineering—Is There Any Other Kind?

2006-12-27T16:36:00.000-05:00

I love reading stories where people:

Encounter a problem.
Consider traditional methods of solving said problem.
Opt for the most insane/over-the-top solution with consequences that incude injury, dismemberment, hospitalization, or death.
Live to tell—with photos!

Situations like this usually follow the pattern below, as previously mentioned by my good buddy Andrew:

I tip my hat to these home-grown MacGyvers. The captions are hilarious. Without further ado, please read Bees on a Swingset (yo Samuel L., I smell bankable movie in the air!).

Not Quite Vin Diesel and Paul Walker

2006-12-24T20:25:00.000-05:00

So I'm at Christmas Eve dinner with the fam, and my brothers showed off some videos they put up on YouTube (first things first I am shocked, mind you, SHOCKED they even knew how to USE YouTube).

They went to an annual BMW track day in South Carolina that my brother gets invited to since he has an M6. Here's them on a ride with a pro driver:

Then my brother BJ took to the track. He did pretty well (he's the de facto racer in the family—but we all really take from our Dad). Watch him gain on the other dude in front of him that's too scared to really let loose:

How was it BJ?

Looks like fun. Last year my brother Paul took his wife, who was bored out of her mind. This year was BJ. Looks like I'm the next one for the event in '07—can't wait to tear that shit up.

Yo, Yo, Yo! 20-second T.O.

2006-12-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

Hope everyone is having a great day preparing gifts, eating and drinking well, and enjoying the company of friends and family.

But if you're not doing any of the above, at least you're not stuck in a mine shaft, aight?

Happy Holidays.

Don't Call It a Comeback!

2006-12-23T00:00:00.000-05:00

I've been here for years.

Okay, I know it's been a while. A long while. Fuck it, I was doing shit.

That being said, I've finally hit a point where I think my life is gaining some sort of balance again, so I'll hopefully be writing regularly once more. It'll be a fun little project going back into old posts and cleaning up dead links and photos, but once that's all done, the revitalized 2.0 version of 'Whatever, it's summer' will be back to 100%. For now, this blog is my Death Star—it's not fully operational. -1 point* for referencing Star Wars, but +1 point for having that reference be due to a Dane Cook joke.

*Alexis, what's up with the new point system for all your blogs? Can I get +1 point for stealing it for the purposes of this paragraph?

A recap of the past three-plus months will come, but I thought I'd share a choice conversation I overheard at my local Kinko's today. A nice point of entry for my first post in in a while.

I love making friends with strangers—the front door guy at my apartment, the security officers in my office building, the staff at Kinko's—gaining a level of comfort with people you encounter every day provides access to stories and gossip you never would have gained otherwise.

As I'm waiting for my print job that morning, I'm blessed with this gem of a conversation between said Kinko's clerks:

"Girl, you should have seen this bama on the train today!" Clerk #1 mimics said rude man, pushing and stomping through other Metro passengers to get to his train, "We was like, 'awwww hell naw!'"

"Girl, you must be talkin' about Marty. He's tall right—and a skinny-ass boy. Went to school with Cherisa. He always be walkin' around talkin' and hollerin' at everybody. And he be goin' up to them poles on the street, and he be kissin' them, like this. Ohh, child, he is SO CRAZY! He's always wearin' firefighter gear—you know he thinks he's a firefighter, right. Ever since his family got burned up in that fire about five years ago. He thinks he's in the fire department, always walkin' up to people tellin' them he's a firefighter. It's so sad, but that shit is crazy though! All the cops know him—they don't do shit. He went to the fire station, and they gave him all that shit he wears now—wears it every day. They took him for a ride on the fire truck and everything. It was Marty you saw today, wasn't it?"

"Naw girl, it wasn't him."

That story, in addition to getting my print job for free since they misheard my original order, equals best trip to Kinko's ever.

Surreal

2006-06-09T17:15:00.000-04:00

My horoscope today:

Are you getting tired of the same old same old? Well, then, you're in for a real treat—a great change is coming soon. The slate is about to be wiped clean, and you'll be given a second chance to start over again at something you need to master. In the meantime, polish up your resume and be prepared to reschedule business meetings at the last minute—there are people who want to talk to you and find out what your long-term goals are. Do you know what you'll tell them?

So I guess I don't have to update what happened today.

Whatever, it's summer. Like, for real. So expect me to be back blogging by the end of the weekend again, goin' mach five and fleecin' it out.

Dinkin' flicka.

Quickie

2006-05-12T12:47:00.000-04:00

And it's ONE-TWO-THREE! The kids love the monkey and FOUR-FIVE-SIX! The monkey's got a hockey stick. SEVEN-EIGHT-NINE! Havin' a good time yeaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Happy Friday all. Will be back and firing on all cylinders by June I hope.

Angry Rant of the Week

2006-05-05T15:44:00.000-04:00

Wow, Sabs. Wow.

"So I'm at the BK lounge, as one big named celeb likes to call it. I'm waiting behind this complete fatty idiot who can't decide what to order on the menu. Its like, what the hell is wrong with you? He's obviously been to BK and just about every other burger place in the tri-county area, so I don't think the menu has changed in the last five minutes."

"I'm standing there for about 10 minutes when I just decide this asshole is a retard and doesn't know what the hell is going on. I make eye contact with the clerk behind the counter and start making my way to the counter to order something so I can get the hell out of there. Before I can make 2 steps this prick decides to open his mouth. He says to me, 'HEY! I was ahead of you!' So I turn around to see lunch box's face of complete suprise, that I just cut him in line. I say to him, 'You have been looking at the menu for 10 minutes straight, unless this is a emergency I'm ordering my food.' So I just ignore anything else this idiot has to say and order my food and I was out."

"How many times have you been in line like that and had to deal with dumb people? Well this guy was the definition of dumb. I hate when I am at any place and someone takes forever to decide something. I don't care what it is. If you are in line have your choices ready to go, if not then step the fuck out of my way. These people stare at the menu like its life or death. Onion rings or Fries?? I mean how many times has the menu changed in the last 10 years with any fast food place? Lets see, burgers, fries, drinks, and extras."

"These people have absolutely no common sense and should be thrown out of the establishment on the spot. Just when you decide you've personally waited enough, not to mention the clerk at the counter, you try to pass them up and your hit with a hissy fit. You know what people like that should close their mouth and walk away before you become a bigger douchebag. Fuck retarded indecisive time wasting people."

I can't wait for her to be drunk tonight.